How to Flirt With an Introvert

DISCLAIMER: While meant to inform, this excerpt is also intended to entertain. So, while all the information is valid, please, if/when put into practice, use common sense and understand every circumstance is different.

Ladies, feel free to laugh and comment with any of your own insight. And if you're interested in a fella, much of this advice applies to you, too.

Is She an Introvert 

Okay, sir, congratulations! You're interested in a lady. You want to get to know her. Here's one of the first things you need to do: figure out if she's introverted or extraverted.

Introverts tend to enjoy quiet concentration, listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and have a more circumspect and cautious approach to risk. Introverts think more, are less reckless and focus on what really matters—relationships and meaningful work.  

Extroverts are energized by social situations and tend to be assertive, multi-taskers who think out loud and on their feet (Susan Cain). 

At first, discerning your prospective lady might be difficult, so I'll give you a guideline to follow.

You'll know she's an introvert when:

1. She's not very witty. 

If she doesn't chuck some serious sass your way after one of your sarcastic remarks, it's a strong indication. Instead, she might do a half-hearted laugh, softly punch you on the shoulder and mutter something absurd like, "Oh...you..."

Don't panic. She's actually not stupid.

There's a lot going on in her head. She's processing at lightning speed. Anything from the tone of your voice, your body posture, another person or other people in the room and what they're thinking, the way you're perceiving her at that moment, something she said previously, what your comment actually meant...is being analyzed. That takes a lot of brain power, thus, no comeback. Now if you gave her a couple minutes...

2. She seems quiet. 

That's rough. You want to get to know her but she's not giving you much to go on. Bro, you're dealing with the tip of her iceberg. Depending on who you are and how far you're willing/able to dive, her depth could be good or bad.

Every girl is different, but if she's highly introverted, even after knowing her for years she'll still have long lapses of quiet. She's thinking, duh.

3. She doesn't flirt back. 

Okay, okay, this is tricky. One reason for no reciprocation could actually be total disinterest; if this is the case, you really don't have a chance. Move on as soon as possible. Like an iceberg, she ain't gonna budge.

However, you might be looking for the wrong signs. Yes, I did just say "signs." By nature, she's cautious when taking risks. You're a risk. Remember that. She's not going to put herself out there, or if she does, it will be as subtle as humanly possible. For example, two seconds of outrageously bold eye-contact from across the room. Wow. That's good. And if it's any more than four seconds, she basically just screamed, "Holy [expletive], I LOVE YOU!!"

Another reason she's not flirting could be due to her inability to think on her feet (observation #1). She's not good at those light, get-to-know-you conversations (they both exhaust and bore her).

4. She takes everything you say seriously. 

Your extroverted lady friends will unashamedly bash you and compete with your most brutal sarcasm. Your prospective introvert, however, probably won't. If she tries, you'll see right away it's unnatural.

5. She's indirect. 

She's going to worry about how she presents herself, whether she likes you or not. If there's no interest, she also doesn't want to hurt your feelings. It's possible she might say one thing but mean another. The reason for this boils down to her innate desire to avoid conflict. You get to be the idiot who tries to figure out what's really being communicated.

A note: As an introvert, she probably should come out of her shell more and it sucks for you if she doesn't.

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If You're an Introvert 

You might also fall into the introverted category. Assume the development of the relationship will move much slower. If you marry the girl before either of you turn forty, I congratulate you.

Also, for the sake of the relationship, be prepared (as best you can) to muster insane courage. To approach her and strike up a conversation is absolutely mad, I get it. However, vulnerability and chance of utter embarrassment are necessary.

Please, don't try to be coy and discreet. Making momentary eye contact from across the room only gets you so far. If you're interested but not sure she is, don't pretend you aren't to protect your ego (just in case she lets you down). If you do, I promise nothing is going to happen.

Don't half-heartedly throw phases out there like, "We should hang out sometime." This translates to, "I have no balls to actually ask you out."

When asking her out, watch out for replies like, "Yeah, for sure." "For sure" without specific times and dates, equals "heck no."

Other Tips to Success 

1. Location, location, location. You'll want to take her out. Avoid busy places with a lot of noise. Think quiet, minimally stimulating environments.

2. Ask her deep questions; not necessarily about herself, but her opinions on something. If you work her up to a topic she cares about, she'll forget about over-analyzing and start running her mouth.

3. Understand you're constantly being analyzed; everything from the way you part your hair, down to the brand of shoes you wear, is telling her something about you. Not only your physique, but most of what you do and say is under critical evaluation. She wants to know, are you worth her time?

4. She likes genuine, meaningful conversations. When you aren't serious, make sure that's understood.

5. Be patient. She's not about to rush into anything. Pressure her and she'll shut down and emotionally extract herself altogether.

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More You Should Know

1. Many introverts hide their identity. Generally, outgoing individuals make more friends, gain more rapport, and experience more opportunities while the quiet ones are overlooked by default. In other words, you're lady could be obligated to fake it. This is not to say the above points never apply, it's just an indication that she's better at pretending they don't.

2. Getting to really know an introvert can be a lot of work. Distracted by her overpowering mental processor, an introvert will often seem superficial. It's hard for her to get into the moment. There will probably be some mental barriers to break through.

3. She might not want to "get out" much. A fun, fulfilling evening to her could consist of sitting in a room together. This is favorable since it takes a lot of pressure off you and your budget.

4. Your prospective lady might not know she's an introvert. However, in a culture strongly bent toward valuing an extroverted ideal, she might feel out of place. Self-absorption and insecurity are typically mistaken for an introvert's tendency to withdrawal. On the contrary, quietude is often simply her means of escape, a short break, from a fast-pace, talkative, overwhelming world.

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Resources

If you're serious about understanding the essence of introversion, read Susan Cain's Quiet. Here's a quick summary from goodreads:

Passionately argued, impressively researched, and filled with indelible stories of real people, Quiet shows how dramatically we undervalue introverts, and how much we lose in doing so...Susan Cain charts the rise of the Extrovert Ideal in the twentieth century and explores its far-reaching effects. She talks to Asian-American students who feel alienated from the brash, backslapping atmosphere of American schools. She questions the dominant values of American business culture, where forced collaboration can stand in the way of innovation, and where the leadership potential of introverts is often overlooked. And she draws on cutting-edge research in psychology and neuroscience to reveal the surprising differences between extroverts and introverts. more

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Good luck. You may need it.

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{dm}

The Day I Had a Thai Massage

Massage businesses are often considered sketchy--especially where I'm from. I can't blame this generalization. In many cases, massage businesses aren't really massage businesses. And for me personally, apart from legitimacy, the mere concept of coming into close physical contact with a complete stranger, even a professional, is somewhat...perturbing.

So what drives a person to get a massage? Last Sunday, for me, it was sweet relief. My back was murdering me. Perhaps the pain was
repercussions of bad running form or too many hours spent on long bus and plane rides. Also, curiosity was quite motivating. What was a Thai massage like anyway?

I might only be in Thailand once...

I decided it was worth the experience. After a long, hot walk down a busy road, I finally found a place. The sign next to the door read: GOOD PRICE FOR GREAT QUALITY. I forced the high school part of my brain out of the gutter.

At the door, I was given pink silky slippers. I took off my shoes and entered the little shop. I was greeted by many smiles.

People in Thailand love to smile. I feel like the culturally incompetent American, dumbly returning smiles on a constant basis. I think there's an art to it; there are different types of smiles and different times to express them. Of course, this is strictly hypothesis based, but I think I'm on to something.

One of the Thai women approached me with an open menu. To my surprise, there was an English section. I pointed to the Traditional Thai Massage, 180 baht for one hour. The amount translates to $6.06 USD--for one hour.

"Can a man give you massage?" The woman asked. She had such a gentle, thickly accented voice. Noting the obvious apprehension on my face, she added, "It is very good massage. He is very good."

Reader, are you familiar with the expression "soft brown eyes"? I never understood how eyes could be soft. However, if you can just imagine it, hers fit the description. She looked to be in her forties, although it's so hard for me to tell, with long, shiny brown hair curled in at the ends. Her eyes were noticeably large, beautifully shaped, and...soft.

In the end, I agreed to it.

Passing through a jankity sliding door, she took me up a tiny, narrow staircase in the back of the building. The steps made that hallow, squeaky noise associated with old, rotting wood and the lights grew dimmer as we ascended. I forced myself not to panic. She led me into an airconditioned room. One door, no windows. Mattresses lined one wall with curtains dividing them into tiny rooms. My apprehensive American mind buzzed with images from Taken and random human trafficking documentaries I've seen.

The woman produced a pair of pink and red pajamas and placed them on one of the beds. She motioned with an open hand toward the mattress. I obediently walked over and she closed the curtains around me.

The pajamas were huge, far exceeding any appropriate human proportion. I wrapped the draw strings around my waist twice and securely tied them with a double knot.

I didn't have to wait long before the masseur appeared. He looked a bit older, maybe in his forties. I noticed he was wearing pajamas too, except his were offwhite. Skipping all formalities, he indicated that I lay down on my back. I looked at him blankly for a second. This was all happening so unceremoniously.

As I stood there hesitating, my back suddenly didn't hurt so badly. If they didn't have my shoes and I only their pajamas, I might've made a run for it.

Like a scared little kid, I eventually laid down. He began with my feet, cleaning them with a wet, cool towel first. I couldn't decide what to do with my hands. I finally left them resting on my stomach in stiff mummy fashion. Should I close my eyes? Keep them open? The ceiling boards were painted a creamy white frosting color.

What happened next is difficult to explain since I'm actually not completely sure myself.

However, first, reader, you should know that in the States I went to a chiropractor on a fairly regular basis. After my first visit, he explained I have the flexibility of a fifty-year-old man.

That being said...

I endured a traditional Thai, full-body massage.

I don't know what I was initially expecting. When I thought of "a massage" I thought of strong hands kneading out tight backs.

However, if you look up Google Images of "Traditional Thai massage," you'll find pictures like this:

And this: 

And this: 

And...this: 

To say the least, my understanding of "massage" has been redefined. That's not to say the experience was bad, it was good...in a painful sort of way. It was like getting a massage by a monkey. He used his arms and legs in ways I had never seen arms and legs be used.

When the hour was finished, he got up and went as unceremoniously as he came. I was left in a pile on the mattress, dazed, yet surprisingly okay.

After a little recuperation, I stood up, shook my arms and legs a few times, changed, and found a cup of tea waiting for me downstairs. The Thai woman greeted me with a smile. "Was it good?" She asked. I lifted my eyebrows and nodded my head, "Yeah...it was really good." I winced a little from how awkwardly dirty that sounded, but she looked pleased. I wondered if my masseur was her husband. I didn't want to ask. The soft-eyed woman spoke English well. She asked me about myself and my thoughts of Thailand and introduced her daughters. When the conversation eventually lulled, I paid and went to retrieve my shoes.

I exited the shop victorious. Even though I was really only manipulated deadweight during the course of the hour, I felt like I had accomplished something extraordinary. In retrospect, it was actually quite a good massage. I might even do it again.

{dm}

First Day

It was the first day. As I was sitting in class my mind was escaping me. Maybe after almost four months away, I was not used to mental discipline or focusing. Why did the walls have to be white? Why was the air-conditioning blasting into the right side of my head? Why was that guy wearing boots? Were they alligator skinned? Regardless, why? It's so hot, I shouldn't have worn shorts. Was that my cell phone? Where's my pen? This is a small class...

Eventually, I found myself staring at the professors beard. His beard made me curious. I wondered how anybody so completely bald could have so much hair on their face.

If anyone were to ask me what I notice first about a man, maybe I would say his facial hair. Or the lack thereof.

How a man wears the hair on his face tells a lot about who he is, I thought. It might reflect his value of hygiene, his sense of style, even his relationship status. It was then that I decided, if I were a guy, I would have a beard. Not a big thick one like my professor, and certainly not with a bald head, but a beard would be nice. It would be kind of scruffy maybe, but not shaggy.

I couldn't let the beard get too long or it would start looking like pubic hair. That's unattractive. And it needs to be course, otherwise I'd be a peach with fuzz on my face. That's embarrassing.

Sometimes when my brain wonders I don't think about how strangely the implications of such thoughts might reflect on who I am. I didn't want a beard, I wasn't wishing I were a man, I was just thinking if I was, I should grow one.  

I would need to have a mustache too. I think I could have a mustache with no beard, but never a beard with no mustache. Men who have mustaches are one of four things: a) over fifty-five and still stuck in the eighties, b) pedophiles, c) trying too hard to be hip or d) actually are hip.

What does "hip" really mean anyway? It's out of date, like "groovy." Maybe "fresh" or "fly" would be better.

...no probably not.

Younger guys who cannot grow beards are not less manly, hopefully. It usually depends. It's apparent that one day, all men grow beards, even if they're late. So, if I was a guy, and I couldn't grow a beard, I wouldn't try. I would wait years, decades, before I ever tried to pull something off that looked like anything less than complete, mature facial hair.

"And that will be due at the beginning of class next Tuesday. Any questions?"

Oh. Wait. Crap. I had no idea what he just said.

--
{dm}