Back Again

To Nathan and Brittany by your sister with love

A clock hung on the kitchen wall facing the dining room table. From the twelve, the second hand ticked around the face in rhythmic, perpetual clicks. Outside the night was a gradient of blackness and the moon shone through like a dimly set ceiling light. The sound of ticking echoed off the wallpaper along with the humming of the refrigerator and the crack of the settling floorboards. In a bedroom across the hall, someone whispered, “I love you,” then added, “to the moon and back.” And the second hand on the kitchen clock circled its face again.

To the moon and back again, like ocean waves, never arriving, but always changing, always in motion, tracking the rhythm of the universe like a child letting her head fall back as she is thrown into the air and repeats, “again, again!” Like a tiny bird leaving its perch, clumsily spiraling with gravity, sensing a violent impact before—there they are. The moment the meaning of flight is understood and wind is felt between the feathered armpits of small magnificent wings. Vital repetition carries the momentum, wings pumping air like two hearts beating in perfect rhythm.

And you will go back again, because you, like everything else, are an infinity of seconds, some capsizing, others beating so subtly they’re hardly real. Like the breathing of the water’s tides and the beating of birds’ wings you will rise and fall back again, a motion like the second on the clock’s face; there, a moment, a snapshot, a long inhale of movement. See the wave, its foaming edges, its sprawling momentum across the ocean’s surface, then back again, into the water, a rush of sound subsiding, giving out an enormous sigh before disappearing into the sea.

And in between a breath, the initial inhale, the moment the wave surfaces and wings feel the meaning of flight, that’s where life and love and possibility exists, where you both exist. It’s every moment your eyes open at twelve AM and she’s laying there beside you. It’s the second a smile spreads across his face when you reach over and hold his hand in both of yours. Inhale, “I love you to the moon,” a moment as thick as the tick on the kitchen clock. Then the respire, the sweet release, exhale, “and back,” a wave merging into infinity, a bird mingling with gravity, before rising up again.    

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dm

How to Flirt With an Introvert

DISCLAIMER: While meant to inform, this excerpt is also intended to entertain. So, while all the information is valid, please, if/when put into practice, use common sense and understand every circumstance is different.

Ladies, feel free to laugh and comment with any of your own insight. And if you're interested in a fella, much of this advice applies to you, too.

Is She an Introvert 

Okay, sir, congratulations! You're interested in a lady. You want to get to know her. Here's one of the first things you need to do: figure out if she's introverted or extraverted.

Introverts tend to enjoy quiet concentration, listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and have a more circumspect and cautious approach to risk. Introverts think more, are less reckless and focus on what really matters—relationships and meaningful work.  

Extroverts are energized by social situations and tend to be assertive, multi-taskers who think out loud and on their feet (Susan Cain). 

At first, discerning your prospective lady might be difficult, so I'll give you a guideline to follow.

You'll know she's an introvert when:

1. She's not very witty. 

If she doesn't chuck some serious sass your way after one of your sarcastic remarks, it's a strong indication. Instead, she might do a half-hearted laugh, softly punch you on the shoulder and mutter something absurd like, "Oh...you..."

Don't panic. She's actually not stupid.

There's a lot going on in her head. She's processing at lightning speed. Anything from the tone of your voice, your body posture, another person or other people in the room and what they're thinking, the way you're perceiving her at that moment, something she said previously, what your comment actually meant...is being analyzed. That takes a lot of brain power, thus, no comeback. Now if you gave her a couple minutes...

2. She seems quiet. 

That's rough. You want to get to know her but she's not giving you much to go on. Bro, you're dealing with the tip of her iceberg. Depending on who you are and how far you're willing/able to dive, her depth could be good or bad.

Every girl is different, but if she's highly introverted, even after knowing her for years she'll still have long lapses of quiet. She's thinking, duh.

3. She doesn't flirt back. 

Okay, okay, this is tricky. One reason for no reciprocation could actually be total disinterest; if this is the case, you really don't have a chance. Move on as soon as possible. Like an iceberg, she ain't gonna budge.

However, you might be looking for the wrong signs. Yes, I did just say "signs." By nature, she's cautious when taking risks. You're a risk. Remember that. She's not going to put herself out there, or if she does, it will be as subtle as humanly possible. For example, two seconds of outrageously bold eye-contact from across the room. Wow. That's good. And if it's any more than four seconds, she basically just screamed, "Holy [expletive], I LOVE YOU!!"

Another reason she's not flirting could be due to her inability to think on her feet (observation #1). She's not good at those light, get-to-know-you conversations (they both exhaust and bore her).

4. She takes everything you say seriously. 

Your extroverted lady friends will unashamedly bash you and compete with your most brutal sarcasm. Your prospective introvert, however, probably won't. If she tries, you'll see right away it's unnatural.

5. She's indirect. 

She's going to worry about how she presents herself, whether she likes you or not. If there's no interest, she also doesn't want to hurt your feelings. It's possible she might say one thing but mean another. The reason for this boils down to her innate desire to avoid conflict. You get to be the idiot who tries to figure out what's really being communicated.

A note: As an introvert, she probably should come out of her shell more and it sucks for you if she doesn't.

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If You're an Introvert 

You might also fall into the introverted category. Assume the development of the relationship will move much slower. If you marry the girl before either of you turn forty, I congratulate you.

Also, for the sake of the relationship, be prepared (as best you can) to muster insane courage. To approach her and strike up a conversation is absolutely mad, I get it. However, vulnerability and chance of utter embarrassment are necessary.

Please, don't try to be coy and discreet. Making momentary eye contact from across the room only gets you so far. If you're interested but not sure she is, don't pretend you aren't to protect your ego (just in case she lets you down). If you do, I promise nothing is going to happen.

Don't half-heartedly throw phases out there like, "We should hang out sometime." This translates to, "I have no balls to actually ask you out."

When asking her out, watch out for replies like, "Yeah, for sure." "For sure" without specific times and dates, equals "heck no."

Other Tips to Success 

1. Location, location, location. You'll want to take her out. Avoid busy places with a lot of noise. Think quiet, minimally stimulating environments.

2. Ask her deep questions; not necessarily about herself, but her opinions on something. If you work her up to a topic she cares about, she'll forget about over-analyzing and start running her mouth.

3. Understand you're constantly being analyzed; everything from the way you part your hair, down to the brand of shoes you wear, is telling her something about you. Not only your physique, but most of what you do and say is under critical evaluation. She wants to know, are you worth her time?

4. She likes genuine, meaningful conversations. When you aren't serious, make sure that's understood.

5. Be patient. She's not about to rush into anything. Pressure her and she'll shut down and emotionally extract herself altogether.

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More You Should Know

1. Many introverts hide their identity. Generally, outgoing individuals make more friends, gain more rapport, and experience more opportunities while the quiet ones are overlooked by default. In other words, you're lady could be obligated to fake it. This is not to say the above points never apply, it's just an indication that she's better at pretending they don't.

2. Getting to really know an introvert can be a lot of work. Distracted by her overpowering mental processor, an introvert will often seem superficial. It's hard for her to get into the moment. There will probably be some mental barriers to break through.

3. She might not want to "get out" much. A fun, fulfilling evening to her could consist of sitting in a room together. This is favorable since it takes a lot of pressure off you and your budget.

4. Your prospective lady might not know she's an introvert. However, in a culture strongly bent toward valuing an extroverted ideal, she might feel out of place. Self-absorption and insecurity are typically mistaken for an introvert's tendency to withdrawal. On the contrary, quietude is often simply her means of escape, a short break, from a fast-pace, talkative, overwhelming world.

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Resources

If you're serious about understanding the essence of introversion, read Susan Cain's Quiet. Here's a quick summary from goodreads:

Passionately argued, impressively researched, and filled with indelible stories of real people, Quiet shows how dramatically we undervalue introverts, and how much we lose in doing so...Susan Cain charts the rise of the Extrovert Ideal in the twentieth century and explores its far-reaching effects. She talks to Asian-American students who feel alienated from the brash, backslapping atmosphere of American schools. She questions the dominant values of American business culture, where forced collaboration can stand in the way of innovation, and where the leadership potential of introverts is often overlooked. And she draws on cutting-edge research in psychology and neuroscience to reveal the surprising differences between extroverts and introverts. more

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Good luck. You may need it.

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{dm}

The Other Half

You knew I had to write about it eventually: relationships. Particularly those between a guy and a girl. Buckle up. This could be a wild ride.

Romantic relationships are an inevitable part of life for most of us. According to the experts, who you marry will determine 90% of your happiness. I guess I'll let you decided whether or not that is actually true.

On that note, let me just say I really admire Glen Hansard's music. I'm going to use his lyrics to explain my thoughts. He is probably most famous for his song, "Falling Slowly".

Here's the first few lines of the song: 

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that 

It is the great mystery of the "other", the unknown personality. They could be anybody. At first, all you have is a face, a physique, and maybe a conversation. In your head, you are able to attribute countless wonderful qualities to this person. Inevitably, they are dashing, magnificent, brilliant, charming, invigorating. They bring out the best in you. You see yourself as a better person if you could be with them. It is at these [magical?] times of love that the gender groups in our society breach the social gap, they are willing to fuse together...at last!

But wait...

I must admit, I am a critic of love. Feel free to shake your finger at me. I'm not a hater, just very critical. I admit, I've been a skeptic all my life. Maybe I'm too much of a realist. I believe there is danger in the expectations we put on relationships. Are we all really a "sinking boat" like Hansard refers to later in his song? Do we need someone else to guide us home, to keep us from reaching the rocky depths of the figurative ocean of...life?

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Well, it's possible. It's possible love can prevent you from...sinking. Gosh, I love these analogies. But what if love doesn't? Or, what happens if it stops doing that for you? What if the beautiful mystery of the person is solved, and we are left with "eh...".

If your life is anything like mine, you've grown up hearing that relationships and marriage should be all about the other person. Period. No exceptions. No excuses. But we like being selfish...so how does that work?

I'm not married, but this is how I understand it: There is no perfect person for you out there. I'll go ahead and pop the destiny bubble. No matter who you end up with, nobody is going to reflate your sinking boat completely. This isn't news for any of us (I hope).

So what? I submit we start by taking a different perspective on relationships in general. What is this concept of "other"? Part of being in a relationship, being married, is about seeing yourself in that person. It's about letting that person become so much a part of who you are, you would not do anything to that person you would not do to yourself because they are you. Or at least, that's the way you see it.

Doesn't this sound familiar? What's the Golden Rule again? Maybe we're on to something...

This might help counteract our selfishness a little. Being in a relationship, getting married, is like adding an extension to yourself. So you better choose wisely, right? Right. That's not funny.

Single people: Perhaps you see yourselves as sinking vessels needing to be rescued. You're lonely, after all. Being alone sounds like an awful idea.

But doesn't adding one sinking boat to another sinking boat equal two sinking boats? Or are there roles here, the savior and the...savee (save-ee); the one who does the saving and the one who needs to be saved? If that's the case, which is which? Who gets to decide? 

Like I said, I'm very critical. 

All I know is I can't save anyone. I'll burn out real fast. And this is true vice-versa, no one could save me either. If you're sinking, and I'm sinking, and there's no one to guide us home.....did I mention divorce rates yet?  

So what? Even if we do change our perspective, what difference does it make? If our goal is to "self-actualize", to become the best we can humanly be (by the way, this shouldn't be the goal), getting rid of this extended "self" might be the smartest step. Again, divorce rates...

Is this where I should bring up the Bible? Is the answer Jesus...or is it a squirrel...? 

I'm going to leave you with this quote: 

The very first step is to try to forget about the self altogether [even the extended self i.e. life-partner]. Your real, new self (which is Christ’s and also yours, and yours just because it is His) will not come as long as you are looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him. Does that sound strange? The same principle holds, you know, for more everyday matters...The principle runs through all life from top to bottom. Give up yourself [the life-partner-self too], and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death [yours and theirs], death of your ambitions and favourite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end: submit with every fibre of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing [whatever expectation, hope, or standard you are holding in regard to that life-partner of yours]. Nothing that you have not given away will be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself [you know who], and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in.”- By C.S. Lewis from Mere Christianity

Give up your other self. Your husband. Your wife. Whoever. It is only when you stop holding these ideals for them (as we often hold for ourselves), these wants, longings, desires of what they could fulfill if only...

Let that die. Replace it with Christ. Because, you see, if you are in fact truly Christ's, then, when you look for yourself in a relationship, it is not really you at all, it is Christ (because your life is Christ's, every single part). In order for you to see them in light of who they were meant to be, you must put Christ there. When you look for Christ in them, you will find Him.

and with Him everything else thrown in. 

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{dm}

The Four-Letter Word

Love is a strong four-letter word, perhaps the strongest of all. When I consider the implication behind the word love, I realize it has a lot of different meanings, and different people understand it in different ways. However, you are the only person that can love the way you do. You have your own definition of love that nobody can replicate. I realize that sounds extremely cheesy and cliche, but it's true. And when we do not love, we become less like ourselves. The more we love, the more human we are, the way humanity was meant to be. When we do not love, we drop to an animal-like existence. We loose our ability to connect with the souls of other people. When we love we see individuals for who they are, not for who they seem to be. Essentially, we understand them the way they understand themselves.

The Principle of Existence

"We are all born for love. It is the principle of existence, and its only end."- Benjamin Disraeli

If there is no love in the end, then it is not truly the end.