Monday, July 22, 2013

How to Flirt With an Introvert

DISCLAIMER: While meant to inform, this excerpt is also intended to entertain. So, while all the information is valid, please, if/when put into practice, use common sense and understand every circumstance is different.

Ladies, feel free to laugh and comment with any of your own insight. And if you're interested in a fella, much of this advice applies to you, too.


Is She an Introvert 

Okay, sir, congratulations! You're interested in a lady. You want to get to know her. Here's one of the first things you need to do: figure out if she's introverted or extraverted.
Introverts tend to enjoy quiet concentration, listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and have a more circumspect and cautious approach to risk. Introverts think more, are less reckless and focus on what really matters—relationships and meaningful work.  
Extroverts are energized by social situations and tend to be assertive, multi-taskers who think out loud and on their feet (Susan Cain). 
At first, discerning your prospective lady might be difficult, so I'll give you a guideline to follow.

You'll know she's an introvert when:

1. She's not very witty. 

If she doesn't chuck some serious sass your way after one of your sarcastic remarks, it's a strong indication. Instead, she might do a half-hearted laugh, softly punch you on the shoulder and mutter something absurd like, "Oh...you..."

Don't panic. She's actually not stupid.

There's a lot going on in her head. She's processing at lightning speed. Anything from the tone of your voice, your body posture, another person or other people in the room and what they're thinking, the way you're perceiving her at that moment, something she said previously, what your comment actually meant...is being analyzed. That takes a lot of brain power, thus, no comeback. Now if you gave her a couple minutes...

2. She seems quiet. 

That's rough. You want to get to know her but she's not giving you much to go on. Bro, you're dealing with the tip of her iceberg. Depending on who you are and how far you're willing/able to dive, her depth could be good or bad.

Every girl is different, but if she's highly introverted, even after knowing her for years she'll still have long lapses of quiet. She's thinking, duh.

3. She doesn't flirt back. 

Okay, okay, this is tricky. One reason for no reciprocation could actually be total disinterest; if this is the case, you really don't have a chance. Move on as soon as possible. Like an iceberg, she ain't gonna budge.

However, you might be looking for the wrong signs. Yes, I did just say "signs." By nature, she's cautious when taking risks. You're a risk. Remember that. She's not going to put herself out there, or if she does, it will be as subtle as humanly possible. For example, two seconds of outrageously bold eye-contact from across the room. Wow. That's good. And if it's any more than four seconds, she basically just screamed, "Holy [expletive], I LOVE YOU!!"

Another reason she's not flirting could be due to her inability to think on her feet (observation #1). She's not good at those light, get-to-know-you conversations (they both exhaust and bore her).

4. She takes everything you say seriously. 

Your extroverted lady friends will unashamedly bash you and compete with your most brutal sarcasm. Your prospective introvert, however, probably won't. If she tries, you'll see right away it's unnatural.

5. She's indirect. 

She's going to worry about how she presents herself, whether she likes you or not. If there's no interest, she also doesn't want to hurt your feelings. It's possible she might say one thing but mean another. The reason for this boils down to her innate desire to avoid conflict. You get to be the idiot who tries to figure out what's really being communicated.
A note: As an introvert, she probably should come out of her shell more and it sucks for you if she doesn't.
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If You're an Introvert 

You might also fall into the introverted category. Assume the development of the relationship will move much slower. If you marry the girl before either of you turn forty, I congratulate you.

Also, for the sake of the relationship, be prepared (as best you can) to muster insane courage. To approach her and strike up a conversation is absolutely mad, I get it. However, vulnerability and chance of utter embarrassment are necessary.

Please, don't try to be coy and discreet. Making momentary eye contact from across the room only gets you so far. If you're interested but not sure she is, don't pretend you aren't to protect your ego (just in case she lets you down). If you do, I promise nothing is going to happen.

Don't half-heartedly throw phases out there like, "We should hang out sometime." This translates to, "I have no balls to actually ask you out."

When asking her out, watch out for replies like, "Yeah, for sure." "For sure" without specific times and dates, equals "heck no."

Other Tips to Success 

1. Location, location, location. You'll want to take her out. Avoid busy places with a lot of noise. Think quiet, minimally stimulating environments.

2. Ask her deep questions; not necessarily about herself, but her opinions on something. If you work her up to a topic she cares about, she'll forget about over-analyzing and start running her mouth.

3. Understand you're constantly being analyzed; everything from the way you part your hair, down to the brand of shoes you wear, is telling her something about you. Not only your physique, but most of what you do and say is under critical evaluation. She wants to know, are you worth her time?

4. She likes genuine, meaningful conversations. When you aren't serious, make sure that's understood.

5. Be patient. She's not about to rush into anything. Pressure her and she'll shut down and emotionally extract herself altogether.

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More You Should Know

1. Many introverts hide their identity. Generally, outgoing individuals make more friends, gain more rapport, and experience more opportunities while the quiet ones are overlooked by default. In other words, you're lady could be obligated to fake it. This is not to say the above points never apply, it's just an indication that she's better at pretending they don't.

2. Getting to really know an introvert can be a lot of work. Distracted by her overpowering mental processor, an introvert will often seem superficial. It's hard for her to get into the moment. There will probably be some mental barriers to break through.

3. She might not want to "get out" much. A fun, fulfilling evening to her could consist of sitting in a room together. This is favorable since it takes a lot of pressure off you and your budget.

4. Your prospective lady might not know she's an introvert. However, in a culture strongly bent toward valuing an extroverted ideal, she might feel out of place. Self-absorption and insecurity are typically mistaken for an introvert's tendency to withdrawal. On the contrary, quietude is often simply her means of escape, a short break, from a fast-pace, talkative, overwhelming world.

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Resources

If you're serious about understanding the essence of introversion, read Susan Cain's Quiet. Here's a quick summary from goodreads:

Passionately argued, impressively researched, and filled with indelible stories of real people, Quiet shows how dramatically we undervalue introverts, and how much we lose in doing so...Susan Cain charts the rise of the Extrovert Ideal in the twentieth century and explores its far-reaching effects. She talks to Asian-American students who feel alienated from the brash, backslapping atmosphere of American schools. She questions the dominant values of American business culture, where forced collaboration can stand in the way of innovation, and where the leadership potential of introverts is often overlooked. And she draws on cutting-edge research in psychology and neuroscience to reveal the surprising differences between extroverts and introverts. more
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Good luck. You may need it.

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{dm}

14 comments:

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  4. Thanks for this. There is someone I've noticed. I'm an introvert guy so I tend to, when at college, sit in the area with less traffic. I've notice her walking by a few times, but never really paid attention. Recently she has been sitting near me, in the same spot, but she wears headphones with the music turned up. So I'm a little thrown off. What's your thought on this?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you never ask, the answer is always no.

      Delete
    2. That's true. Time to man up.

      Delete
    3. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    4. So, I was right. She was just there to listen to the music. Oh well.

      Delete
  5. It depicts whether she gives importance to love, looks, character, money or power. how to tell if a girl likes you

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am into this lady and she even told me one time that she likes me. I could tell it's the truth because her eyes get bigger when we look at eachother. Both of us are introverts but can also socialize and are quite good at wearing masks as to not make it obvious we aren't like the rest. In my life, I'm always understanding of where my audience is from, but her life is quite similar and even though all the old school methods we agree are gold, it still feels distant. I havnt felt this close to someone in years (where you feel calm around them but have butterflies at the same time and don't want to say the wrong thing that may scare them off) usually I'm more careless because either I don't care about them or am just trying to have sex, but she's the only one who has actually read one of my books and enjoyed them. This relationship is so up and down and even though she isn't seeing anyone, I think she's losing interest. Do I just wait until she contacts me? Or should I keep trying to spend time with her? The summer is almost ended and I'm not sure if she is going to move back to her state (I'm in alaska right now). I really want to be with her. What the hell do I do?

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am into this lady and she even told me one time that she likes me. I could tell it's the truth because her eyes get bigger when we look at eachother. Both of us are introverts but can also socialize and are quite good at wearing masks as to not make it obvious we aren't like the rest. In my life, I'm always understanding of where my audience is from, but her life is quite similar and even though all the old school methods we agree are gold, it still feels distant. I havnt felt this close to someone in years (where you feel calm around them but have butterflies at the same time and don't want to say the wrong thing that may scare them off) usually I'm more careless because either I don't care about them or am just trying to have sex, but she's the only one who has actually read one of my books and enjoyed them. This relationship is so up and down and even though she isn't seeing anyone, I think she's losing interest. Do I just wait until she contacts me? Or should I keep trying to spend time with her? The summer is almost ended and I'm not sure if she is going to move back to her state (I'm in alaska right now). I really want to be with her. What the hell do I do?

    ReplyDelete
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    .

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