Tolstoy's Confession: A Quotable Format

One of my goals for this year was to read something by Tolstoy. Not wanting to dive into anything as long as War and Peace, I chose a much shorter, but no less heady excerpt: A Confession. Within these pages, Tolstoy explains his early life and his struggle for meaning and how he came to find it in his own way. I've highlighted some quotes that I think reveal the essence of this incredible little book, from beginning to end: 

"Judgements on what is good and necessary must not be based on what other people say and do, or on progress, but on the instincts of my own soul" (13). 

"It is the question without which life is impossible, as I had learnt from experience. It is this: what will come of what I do today or tomorrow? What will come of my entire life?" (26). 

"I can find nothing resembling an answer. This is not because, as in the case of the clear, experimental sciences, the answer does not relate to the question, but because despite all the intellectual effort directed at my question, there is no answer. And instead of an answer all one gets is the same question, only put in a more complicated form" (33).  

"It appeared that mankind as a whole had some kind of comprehension of the meaning of life that I did not acknowledge and derided. It followed that rational knowledge does not provide the meaning of life, but excludes it; while the meaning given to life by the millions of people, by humanity as a whole, is founded on some sort of knowledge that is despised and considered false" (53). 

"I realized that no matter how irrational and distorted the answers given by faith might be, they had the advantage of introducing to every answer a relationship between the finite and the infinite, without which there can be no solution" (57).

"Whatever answers faith gives, regardless of which faith, or to whom the answers are given, such answers always give an infinite meaning to the finite existence of man; meaning that is not destroyed by suffering, deprivation or death" (58). 

"If it were not so frightening it would be amusing to observe the pride and complacency with which we, like children, take apart the watch, pull out he spring and make a toy of it, and are then surprised with the watch stops working" (60). 

"In contrast to what I saw happening in my own circle, where the whole of life is spent in idleness, amusement and dissatisfaction with life, I saw that these people who labored hard throughout their entire lives were less dissatisfied with life than the rich" (65). 

"What happened was that the life of our class, the rich and learned, became not only distasteful to me, but lost all meaning. All our activities, our discussions, or science and our art struck me as sheer indulgence. I realized there was no meaning to be found there" (66). 

"I had been blinded from the truth not so much through my mistaken thoughts as through my life itself, which had been spent in satisfying desire and in exclusive conditions of epicureanism [enjoying life]" (67).

"The thing that saved me was that I managed to tear myself away from my exclusive existence and see the true life of the simple working people, and realize that this alone is genuine life" (71). 

"I realized that if I wanted to understand life and its meaning I had to live a genuine life and not that of a parasite; and having accepted the meaning that is given to life by that real section of humanity who have become part of that genuine life, I had to try it out" (71).

"I recalled the hundreds of occasions when life had died within me only to be reborn. I remembered that I only lived during those times when I believed in God. Then, as now, I said to myself: I have only to believe in God in order to live. I have only to disbelieve in Him, or forget Him, in order to die" (74). 

"What are these deaths and rebirths? It is clear that I do not live when I lose belief in God's existence, and I should have killed myself long ago, were it not for a dim hope of finding Him" (74-75). 

"What then is it that you are seeking? a voice exclaimed inside me. There He is! He, without whom it is impossible to live. To know God and to live are one and the same thing. God is life" (75). 

I renounced the life of our class, having recognized that it is not life but only a semblance of life, and that the conditions of luxury in which we live deprive us of the possibility of understanding life" (78). 

"Man's purpose in life is to save his soul; in order to save his soul he must live according to God. In order to live according to God one must renounce all the comforts of life, work, be humble, suffer and be merciful" (78). [Tolstoy's conclusion. However...]

"If it is to answer to people living in the most differing circumstances of life and of different education, and if there is only one answer to the eternal questions of life--why do I live? what is the purpose of my life?--this answer, although essentially always the same, must be endlessly varied in its manifestation" (80). 

"Religious truth cannot be attained by one man alone, but only reveals itself to a union of all people, united through love" (81). 

"As I rose early in the morning to go to church I knew that I was doing something good, if only in that I was sacrificing my bodily comforts in order to subdue my proud mind, for the sake of unity with my ancestors and contemporaries, and to find the meaning of life" (82). 

"'Love one another in unity'" (82). 

"The question that first presents itself is: why is the truth not to be found in Lutheranism, or Catholicism, but only in the Orthodox faith?...the Protestants and Catholics are equally convinced of the singular truth of their faiths" (90). 

"Then I understood it all. While I am seeking faith, the force of life, they are seeking the best way of fulfilling, in the eyes of men, certain human obligations. And in fulfilling these human affairs they they perform them in a human fashion" (91). ["human fashion" = imperfectly]

"I...was fully convinced that not all the teachings of the faith I had joined were true. Whereas before I used to say that all religious teaching is a lie, I no longer found it possible to say this. There could be no doubt that the people as a whole had a knowledge of the truth, otherwise they would not be here" (93). 

"I have no doubt that there is truth in the teachings, but I also have no doubt that there is falsehood in them too, and that I must discover what is true and what is false and separate one from the other" (94). 

..

{dm}

New Beginnings: Breaking and Remaking

I'm settled into my new home on the east side of Michigan, and I think I finally have something to write about.

My writing desk...

This is a blog post, not an essay. I don't have a driving thesis here, I'm just confessing my thoughts, asking questions, and probably writing more than necessary.

My spiritual growth seems to come in sudden spurts that steadily build on variations of the same theme. My last growth spurt was in Asia, where the world suddenly expanded to shocking proportions and I realized the very small space I utilize in this enormous environment: I call it the "de-centering" effect.

Before I left for China/Thailand, I was involved at my church and campus community. I wanted to know everyone and pour myself into as many lives as I could. I signed up for volunteer programs, campus events, whatever I could manage. Post-China, I did nothing. Community outreach and fund raising seemed meaningless to me, even absurd.

This question haunted me: How could it ever possibly be enough?

I began to believe my lifestyle was insulting. I understood who I was, in a way. I was born into privilege, caught up in a highly Westernized Christian culture, attempting to reach down over my life-hedge to spread Christ's love. I saw this as ridiculous. I understood that even saving the whole country of China couldn't possibly satisfy God, that's not what He wanted from me. In this way, I grew. I set my mind to find joy in the monotony of life, being thankful for the small space and timeframe I occupied. Still, it hurt my heart to think about my purpose too deeply (or the lack thereof), so I stopped trying and pretended it didn't matter. In the mean time, I was drawn to other, less Westernized religions in search of a better way to live.

I stopped hearing the pastor's sermons. I'd listen and walk away wondering, "did he really believe any of that? Do I? Do any of these people?" I couldn't help thinking if we did, our lives would look different. I wanted to give up and, amidst my search for meaning, came to embrace a humanistic pursuit of pleasure and happiness. The pursuit of happiness in itself can be a great reward, and is enough for many people.

It wasn't that I had lost my faith, it was that my faith had lost its former meaning. I wanted to cling to what I had always believed, but the tighter I held on, the more it seemed to dissolve in my hands. Along with the disillusioning of myself, China had broken through the holes of my Christian lifestyle.

Now, I am living on my own and once again feeling growing pain. A dear friend has been challenging me to reevaluate my life and what I want--or rather, what the Christian Way looks like. What should I want? I don't want success if success means taking one step after another on the ladder of illusionary goals masquerading as a sensible means of purpose--an ideal career, money, material wealth, and/or a happy family. It's not that such a climb is wrong, but it easily can be. It has the potential to draw us away from our need for God and people. There can be beauty, Truth, and goodness in the mundane, ordinary things in life (even while climbing the ladder), I know, I've seen glimpses, but...

I have to believe there is something more. The de-centering showed me that it isn't about my individual works and good heart (i.e. trying to be a good Christian and save China). I alone shouldn't be the focus or center, that is a very individualistic, American way to understand Christianity. Christianity is a body of people centered around Christ, I am a part of the whole--the whole body of Christ. This is where it can get tricky, and a little too abstract.

People complain about the church, Christ's body, everyday, multiple times a day, so there's no need for me to add to the white noise. However, I know that I need people, God's people, who will challenge me and lovingly demand that I live rightly and give of myself. I need people further along in their own understanding of God and life, who can challenge my lifestyle and provide a clearer picture of what Christ looks like. Such people draw attention away from themselves and point instead to a better Way of living. Without mindlessly climbing or consuming, they are beings who are active in the body, allowing the body to move as a body should. They need the body to live as much as the body needs them.

Maybe these people aren't necessarily "reaching out" (or down) amidst their business to help the church or community. Instead, maybe these people are building their lives, their lifestyles, around the network of the body, so how they are living is directly connected to and reliant on everyone else rather than hedged in and fenced off and self-supporting. Together, as one body, we are stronger and able to reach and continue reaching beyond ourselves.

I suspect much of my thoughts revolve around idealistic notions, but I don't mind being an idealist. At least I have a clearer understanding of what I intend to run toward, evening if I never will completely arrive.

As I look for a new church to attend, I don't care about the institution. I'm looking for God's people, and I will know them by the way they live.  

..
{dm}

Thoughts on a Plane

The plane had finally taken off. The familiar popping and buzzing in my head left me moving my jaw around in circles and digging my finger into my ear. I looked out the window, observing the strategically planted square fields, a thousand different variations of green. I noticed the slender ribbon-like roads, weaving in every direction, lined with tiny insect cars. The roofs of the houses were like long dull spikes, arranged side by side in dozens upon dozens of rows. Above the thin clouds were the perfectly clear blue sky and painfully white sun. It was god-like to me, seeing the earth and sky from such a view. I stared with melancholy approval.

"Such a small plane..."said the woman in the next seat, looking around and then over at me; she was expecting an affirming reply.

"It is tiny." I said.

"I've never flown in one so small. These things make it all the way to Michigan?"

"Yeah, I hope so." I looked over and smiled at the woman. She had grey hair and a round, tired face. She shrugged and didn't say anything more.

..

It's not surprising I associate the sky with God. My Christian tradition titles him, "our Heavenly Father." The name is fitting: the skies, or the heavens, are infinite and mysterious to us, they always have been, like God. The earth, although incredible in detail, is perhaps less unknown. We can see the earth: "Mother Earth." To me, when seen together, our Heavenly Father and Mother Earth could be argued as the arch-parents of humankind.

Humans. We're somewhere in between, a composition of both. Our physiological being is from the earth, our "mother," but our Father's essence runs through us as well, all of us. I think it is rooted in our ability to speak, words are so essential to our existence, yet they are not tangible, much like the thin air. John 1:14: "The Word became flesh" is the act of God becoming man, he became "flesh," a product of the earth. Language has the ability to create things we cannot see, it defines everything around us. Language gives us a means to distinguish one thing from another. "This is an apple, that is an orange," there's a difference and, given the name, we know which is which without either being in the room.

When we say "apple" repeatedly, it stops meaning "apple," as in the fruit that grows on a tree, and becomes a meaningless sound. Try saying "apple" for a minute straight. I believe God works in the same way. If we say his name, or even speak of him or hear him spoken of over and over, we forget, we stop hearing. He becomes just a noise to our ears and carries no meaning to our head. When language loses its meaning, we must come up with new ways to say things, new ways to state what has been said over and over for thousands of years so it can be heard again.

Just some thoughts I've had recently.

..
{dm}

The Screwtape Letters: My Own Chapter

Dear Wormwood,

In your last letter I sensed concern for your patient’s new understanding of the human condition. You explained he is beginning to understand that the human nature is split; humans do not possess just one single will, but many at the same time. He is beginning to see that, while some people genuinely desire one thing, they also want and often do the opposite simultaneously.

His general knowledge of the conflicted nature of human beings is grave news, however, it may not be as serious as you think. You can still use it to your advantage. For instance, he is less willing to admit his own share in a double-nature. While he must recognize himself as a human being and therefore a person possessing a conflicted identity, he nonetheless distinguishes himself by other things, such as his external life and occupation, rather than his double-minded humanness; he is unable to truly and completely define himself. Your patient does not like acknowledging that he is in a state of conflicting natures, or that his very identity is in fact conflicted. He would rather state that something else, like his profession, is causing him to be two-faced or double in nature.

While he knows that he is a human, let him consider himself a more complicated exception to the rule, a “superhuman” of sorts. Even with all the ability and knowledge to perceive others and the world, it does not have to change how he sees himself, which you should suggest is somehow separate from everything and everyone else. Rather than owning to the double-nature he knows and even confesses to have, let him continue to assert himself above the idea. The result will be the development of an autonomous identity, which is a reaction of the “double” nature of the self; rather than accepting his anonymous place in society, he will begin attempting to become autonomous or independent. It’s a sort of coping mechanism. While he sincerely may not want to be in opposition or above others, in the same way he does not want to be independent from them, he nevertheless, at the same time, actually does; he is human and therefore caught in a relentless duality. He knows that he is and should want to remain anonymous, and yet, if handled properly, he will nevertheless assert himself in an attempt not to be. Whatever you do, do not let him discover that the “loss” of his conflicted, dual self, that is, becoming anonymous in a family of other selves, can only begin by accepting that both of his desires do in fact exist, both are sincere, and both are a part of his dual existence, which is perfectly normal. 

Within this perceived sovereignty and individuality, your patient has a need to both transcend and dominate over others by seeing himself as wholly separate and independent from them. Plant in him a fear of the truth that he is a lightweight, both thin and insubstantial to the continuation of a larger reality. A promising and predictable reaction will be for him to try to invert himself as autonomous, like I said, by attempting to dominate over through separating and distinguishing from others in his environment. Do not let him stop and consider how impossible this actually is. For example, the binaries in which he distinguishes himself as above and independent from are completely reliant on his specific environment. Even when he attempts to step back to assert himself as separate, the very concept of “separation” is wholly dependent on and connected to the environment in which he exists; your patient does not realize his environment or situation controls his perception of himself.

Make sure he does not realize that, in order to see himself as autonomous or independent and separate from everyone else, he needs other selves to self-identify. By self-identifying through the binary of self and other, he understands who he is only based on who he is not; he is unaware that his attempted dominance and “autonomy” or independence is completely reliant on the thing he is being dominant over and independent from for any real sense of meaning. In this way, he is not autonomous from the other, or religion, or the Enemy.

Do not allow him to accept both sides of his conflicted dual existence--that he wants to be autonomous and also does not want to be autonomous, that he is drawn to physical and mental diversions and at the same time not drawn to them--he must continue to act in defiance of them, which only perpetuates his actual reliance on all of them. Inherently, a human being needs submission in order to relinquish its conflicted, double self from its displaced autonomy. Since he lives in a subjective world based on the influence of his community, whether he chooses to or not, he is controlled by those who surround him, whether he considers himself above them or below them, it does not matter. He cannot know that asserting an autonomous identity is not only foolish, it is legitimately impossible. Let him think it is possible, let him think he is an independent soul. The sooner you can convince him to devalue and deny the need of his community and loved ones, the better.

Your affectionate uncle

SCREWTAPE 

..

{dm} 

What You'll Learn in Asia About Missions

There are over 7 billion people in the world. 1.344 billion in China alone. That's over one thousand million people populating one country, the vast majority living in the eastern half. So what do you learn after living as a foreigner for 4 months in China—and another month in Thailand—altogether five months in Asia? 

This life is not your story.

Francis Chan said it well: you are an extra in Somebody else's movie. You're that face in the middle of the crowd, slightly to the left, in that two-second scene half way through. That's you.

When the realization hits you, it's hard to figure out what matters. It’s hard to continue striving after your goals and expecting great things from yourself.

You’ll realize it’s the little things that get to you. It’s hearing another language, or multiple languages, being spoken all around you and suddenly feeling so small because you had forgotten that the majority of the world doesn’t understand you, and you don't understand them. You’ll come face to face with hundreds of people every day. The faces will all begin to look the same to you. You start being unable to tell the difference between one person and the next. Then, not only do you feel small, you feel alone.

“Where am I? What am I doing here?” You ask the questions in a general manner, but your uncertainty goes deeper. 

It’s the little things that get to you. It’s not knowing how to interact. It’s constantly questioning yourself. You're always questioning--the insecurity never stops but just clings to you like a scared little kid. You are a kid, you realize. Something about this place breaks you down. 

You'll learn that if you want to go into missions, that's great, you could go. But you cannot, under any circumstances, no matter how great the opportunity, go to prove to yourself that you're devoted enough, or that you're worthy of His love, or that becoming a missionary reflects a more meaningful, sacrificial life. 

Doing international missions to impress God is like scraping your knees a couple of hours before seeing the president. You put bandages on, and when you go to meet him, you take them off and say, "Look, Mr. President of the United States, I have these bandages for you, that's my blood." 

You would never do that. That's disgusting.  

God doesn't want your used bandaids. God wants you. He doesn't have a measuring stick where deeds are assessed based on merit. That's what you do. God doesn't care if you rescue the entire population of China from poverty. To Him, that's just another dirty bandaid. 

If in those five months you start to understand your smallness, the surface of His infinite existence also begins to dawn on you. Perhaps you weren't able to glimpse the latter without first feeling the former so thoroughly. 

If you want to make a difference in the world, identify yourself with God until you don't have to look up in the sky anymore to a strange, abstract idea—to the impossible concept of the Divine. He's not "up there" somewhere like the aliens. He's within you...you and every ordinary minute of your life. 

You don't know much about Jesus before he was 30, but you do know He was no less Christ in those years. You are called to be like Christ; Christ in all 33 years of His life. He was faithful in the ordinary. 

So don't hold out on someday. Don't plan on going out and becoming a great missionary...someday. When you find joy in what you're doing now, in the person He is manifesting Himself in now—this very ordinary moment—eternity begins. When eternity begins, God is known, His purpose is heard, and the world shakes.

Eternity begins in the mundane things, in washing dishes, in cleaning bedrooms, in saying "I love you" and really meaning it; in watching the rain fall down the windowpane and thinking, Wow, that's amazing.  

..

"also for those who believe in me through their word, that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me. The glory that you have given me I have given to them...so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me."  —Jesus (John 17:20-23) 

..

{dm}

Lost in Chiang Mai

Never have I been good with directions. Never.

Still, being on my own in this semi-large city of Chiang Mai, I've gotten to know my way around--or at least that's what I tell myself. Last night I successfully made it to an Italian restaurant--Girasole--where I met the Blumenstocks for dinner. 

The Blumenstocks--Mr. and Mrs. plus their lovely little daughter--are kind people. I felt as though I had known them a long time, we had the American culture and English language in common. 

After we ordered, we bowed our heads and Mr. Blumenstock said a short prayer. As I sat there with my head down and hands folded, I couldn't remember ever feeling so comforted by a simple prayer. To pray together as a group before a meal--it was such a beautiful thing to me. 

When the prayer was over, I felt at home in that restaurant, I felt at home with those people. Plus, we were eating Italian food, a novelty I had nearly forgotten. 

After the dinner, I went to the Saturday walking street (a local bazaar) and enjoyed being a tourist and buying merchandise sold at tourists prices. 

I decided to walk the four miles back, I wasn't in a hurry to be alone in my hotel room. Surrounded by city life--a five-lane highway next to a dark mote reflecting hundreds of streetlights, and the mesmerizing flow of traffic whirring by--I began thinking about things maybe only very lonely, deep thinkers think about.  

I had recently left China--home to millions--all with names, distinct identities, desires, and birthdays. I arrived here, in Thailand, where 95% of the population were devout Buddhists. I had seen literally hundreds of munks in their plain, mustard-yellow garb and bare feet, walking from place to place. And the temples! I think there are twice as many Buddhist temples in Chiang Mai as there are churches in Grandville, Michigan, which is really saying something. 

There are so many people in the world, so many. You really can't understand until you've gone out and experienced it. I thought I knew, but I really had no idea. These people (Chinese, Thai, random Europeans from countries I didn't remember learning about) were all so completely different than anything I had ever known.

As I walked along the mote, unnoticed by the rest of the world, I felt like a vagabond (a recurring theme). My concept of moral responsibility had been shattered. 

God doesn't need me to prove anything, I realized. I always knew this, I just finally felt the reality of it.

I could go anywhere, be anyone, and the world would keep on turning--with or without me--and God would be just as great. I could invest everything into this planet or I could lock myself away in a tiny room; history’s course wouldn’t be altered.

A friend put these reflections in better words in an email a while back: 

Know that you aren't expected to do everything. You're to do what you can with what you have and what lies before you. Start small, start humbly and let the spirit work. If things flow, it's his doing rather than something that you've brought about. We can work and strive and push and exhaust ourselves and achieve nothing, when what we most need to do is to let go of our own agendas, expectations and tasks, allow him to bring things together, and find ourselves in that peace and love that gives actual meaning to what we can offer to others.

Perhaps it is in the moments I feel so completely lost in the masses that I am able to find in myself what actually matters.

When I finally arrived at my hotel it was dark and my feet were covered in dirt. I was at peace though. There is a certain relief in knowing I'm not responsible for changing the world or standing out. I am merely a small cog in a very complex, massive machine. I am the extra in a much bigger drama. 

{dm}

“To admit the existence of a need in God is to admit incompleteness in the divine Being. Need is a creature-word and cannot be spoken of the Creator. God has a voluntary relation to everything He has made, but He has no necessary relation to anything outside of Himself. His interest in His creatures arises from His sovereign good pleasure, not from any need those creatures can supply nor from any completeness they can bring to Him who is complete in himself.” ― A.W. Tozer, The Knowledge of the Holy

Fully Known

A lot has been going on in my head recently. For those of you who know me, this isn't a real shocker. Thursday I felt like I was going to explode. Haven't we all been there? It is the near-breaking point.

By the grace of God, I did not actually explode. Instead, I had the opportunity to mediate and pray for 10 minutes; this was a time of uninterrupted solitude and intentional listening. I know I should do this more often.

I'm telling you all this because of the deep significance of these 10 minutes. What I experienced is perhaps not only meaningful for me, but perhaps for you as well.

In the course of these 10 minutes, I had a vision, or a dream, or...an imagination. Let me tell you the story:

I was going to meet Jesus. I don't know why. I found myself walking down a dirt road. At the end of the road was a lake, I could see him standing by the water. The lake was perfect, calm as death. Its surface reflected the breathtaking blue of the sky and the vivid yellow, green, red display of leaves from the maples and oaks growing along the opposite bank. Yet I hardly saw the lake, all I could think about was Jesus, how he was staring at me. I didn't know how to react. At first I felt the need to be cautious. I didn't want him to think I was afraid or nervous to see him. I thought maybe I should be overjoyed by this opportunity, but I wasn't. I wanted him to think that I was okay, that I didn't mind being in his presence. As a result, I found myself extremely guarded as I approached him.

Yet, with every step forward my resolve to remain protected and careful began to falter and break apart. I could literally feel my throat constricting as a forced the tears to stay down. I did not know why I wanted to cry. I refused to cry. When I finally reached him (I was walking very slowly), I could not look into his face. He started to say something as he reached his hand out to me. The moment I felt his touch, everything inside of me broke down.

As if my bones dissolved, my body sank to the ground. I began to weep. At first in stifled murmurs, then finally in the ugly, messy sort of weeping where the eyes become red and swollen, the face contorts, drool dribbles out of the mouth a little, and the body convulses with agony. I knew he wanted me to stand next to him, to take in beauty of the lake, but I could not even lift my head. I dared not even touch his feet.  

Instead of forcing me to stand up, he knelt down. Aware of his face coming closer to mine, my crying subsided a little. I was listening.

"Look at me."

I felt his hand once again touch my face. Still in my puddle of remorse, I shook my head and refused to look.

"Look at me."

Again, I refused. I felt his hand turn my neck and tilt my chin up abruptly. Startled by this, I stopped crying. Now facing him, I still averted my eyes. I could feel the hot tears smeared across my face and a burning sensation starting from my throat, reaching all the way up to my eyes.

"Look." 

Finally, with great deliberation, I forced my eyes up. What I saw chilled the marrow of my bones. Nothing could have prepared me for this. It was utterly horrifying at first.

For I looked, and there beheld my own face.

Or at least, I thought it was my face. It was so hard to tell, so blurry, quite unclear. Yet the more I stared, the more sure I was. Who else could this be? This was...me. And yet, it was completely him. How hard it is to try to conceptualize this phenomenon to you. I was not looking at a man's body with my head, I was not looking at a man at all. Yet I was. As I lay there gazing, my brain tried to comprehend how it was possible for my reality and this abstraction to merge together in this bizarre visual. There he was, kneeling next to me. He was me, yet he was not me. 

His eyes seemed to see so far down into my soul that my head began to hurt. I wanted to ask a thousand questions. Nevertheless, I felt that I should remain silent; I understood that no matter what I said, my words were not enough.

Then he spoke.

"I know Danae."

I blinked, trying to understand what he meant. Even as I think back on it now, it seems to have a double meaning. His words could have been sympathetic, as in "I know, Danae." Or, "I know what you're going through, I understand, I've been there."

Or maybe he meant it in a different way; addressing me indirectly. Maybe he said, "I know Danae," as if to say, "I know who your are." Perhaps he meant both. I'd like to think he meant both.

After a while he lifted me up. I still wouldn't stand, but he set me upright, propping my body against his. I sat next to this absurd concept of him and I...so vague and confusing. Together, we admired the lake. I did truly admire it now. How still it was, so quiet and unmoving. I liked the way it reflected the colors of the leaves so vividly, duplicating the scenery so clearly. From a different angle it would have been hard to distinguish where the trees ended and where the reflection began.

While I was still deeply bemused by our encounter, I also felt an overwhelming sense of peace. I'm not exactly sure I know what peace is, but I believe in that moment I truly felt it. Finally, I told him I must go, that my 10 minutes were up, and that it was time to return. I did not tell him I would come back, I wasn't sure if I could.

Walking away on the dirt road, I turned around a couple of times to see him there, by the lake, watching me go.

That was the end of the vision. I returned to reality, still utterly confused, still strangely at peace.

--
The fruit of our work, as well as the ability to carry it out, comes from prayer. The work that we accomplish is the fruit of our union with Christ. We have been called to give Jesus to the peoples of the world, so that they can look at Him and discover His love, His compassion, and His humility in action.

— Mother Teresa

I am no longer my own. Whether I live or whether I die, I belong to my Saviour I have nothing of my own. God is my all, and my whole being is His.I will have nothing to do with a love that would be for God or in God. I cannot bear the word for or the word in, because they denote something that may be in between God and me.   — Saint Catherine of Genoa 

Each one of us is what [s/]he is in the eyes of God.    — Mother Teresa

"For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known." 1 Corinthians 13:12

--
I hope this brings encouragement to your day.

Truly,
{dm}

Letters From Your Host (5)

I am attempting to do what C.S. Lewis did in "The Screwtape Letters", only I am going in the reverse, characterizing angels, not demons.

Dearest Company,

What a delighted to hear from you! We return our warmest greetings. We are overjoyed to see that you are doing well and have been staying in communication. Thank you for your reply.

It is to our understanding that you are discouraged with the responsibility you feel in ministering to others. You are afraid to pour time and energy into loving people because you seriously doubt your capability and their receptiveness. You remember in the past you have failed to witness any growth from the seeds you tried to plant, and as a result you are disheartened to venture out again.

Dearly beloved! Do not forget your purpose. Your purpose is not to find success--in anything. We will remind you again, you are not measured on the level of hearts you save, you cannot save anyone. No. Also, never forget that what you might consider defeat or victory your Father may see as something completely different.

What matters is that you remain faithful. Remain faithful in your relationships. Refuse to base your gratification on the change you see in others. It is not your responsibility to change them, only to remain faithful to what you are able to do today.

It is not right to take on the responsibility of another's salvation. If you believe it is your duty to convert the nations, then you will likewise believe it is to your credit they are converted. It is not. The credit belongs to God and God alone.

This does not mean you forget about the call of discipleship. By no means! You are indeed commanded to seek after the Kingdom. Yet, we warn you, be careful to what standard you would hold yourself. Do not discredit the situation you are in today as an opportunity. Do not wish you were somewhere else. The reality is you are not somewhere else, and you are called to be faithful in all circumstances. So love unconditionally, minister with no expectation. Remember it is  not your responsibility to make the seed grow, only to plant it. It is not your responsibility to make the sheep come, only to feed them. It is not your responsibility to change the world, only to remain faithful in it.

Be encouraged. Pride would have you believe your ministry aught to look just so, with these specific components, or else you are not pleasing God, and what you are doing is not truly ministry. Everything you do is ministry, beloved. Everything. If your heart truly drives you to reach the thousands, then by all means, reach them. But you will not, indeed, you cannot, until you are faithful in the small, thankless ministry he has called you to right now, in this place, at this hour.

We will not neglect to reply again soon.

God be with you always,
Your Host

--
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Letters From Your Host (4)

I am attempting to do what C.S. Lewis did in "The Screwtape Letters", only I am going in the reverse, characterizing angels, not demons.

Our Dearest Company,

We have not heard from you in a while. We trust you are doing well. 

We are under the impression you are frustrated with your life. Particularly, you are frustrated with God. Is this your way of punishing Him? Do you distance yourself out of frustration, grief, or whatever this reason is that you have not been in communication? 

Or rather, are you frustrated by yourself, because you know you are doing something wrong, and you don't want to face Him with it? What is the reason for your silence? Are you too busy? Are you apathetic? Do you even realize the two of you have not spoken for a great length of time? 

You pray, yes, but your mouth is like a religious puppet, being opened and closed by the strings of tradition, those strings are not attached to your heart and therefore your prayers seem empty. 

Perhaps you have forgotten the kind of relationship the two of you share. How easy it is for you to forget. You are terribly forgetful. He is not just a polite acquaintance you tend to speak friendly hellos to from time to time. This is not just a nice relationship with a good friend. 

You are in love with God. 

Must we remind you? God is not human. He is not like you. He does not think like you, understand the world the same way you do, or submit to anyone or anything besides Himself. For a lack of better words, God is wild and dangerous. He is not domesticated in the way you would like to believe He is, he does not fit into any one idea, He is infinitely beyond the god you understand. 

Imagine the shiny golden star sticker your teacher put on your math test in third grade. This is your understanding of God. Now think of the sun, 92,960,000 miles away, 9900 °F on the surface, 27 million °F at the core. This is God. Hold them up side by side in your mind: the sticker and the sun. 

Are you beginning to understand now? Do not fool yourself. You will understand Him best by recognizing you do not understand Him. Yet, the fact still stands: the two of you are in love. 

Remember your golden sticker understanding: you imagine God to be incredible, magnificent, awe-inspiring (even when you are frustrated with Him). Now, take everything you know about Him, and multiply it 27 million times. Does this not excite you? Does this not steal your breath away? 

There is so much more than you could possibly imagine about who this Deity really is. We are frustrated by your inept language and its lack of ability to communicate this truth to you. Yet, what a privilege it is for you to have an eternity to find out more.  

Eternity began the day you fell in love with Him. So, our dearly beloved, talk with Him; share everything, and above all, listen. He will begin to reveal Himself to you, one degree at a time. Of this you can be sure. 

Affectionately yours, 

Your Host

--

{dm}     

The Other Half

You knew I had to write about it eventually: relationships. Particularly those between a guy and a girl. Buckle up. This could be a wild ride.

Romantic relationships are an inevitable part of life for most of us. According to the experts, who you marry will determine 90% of your happiness. I guess I'll let you decided whether or not that is actually true.

On that note, let me just say I really admire Glen Hansard's music. I'm going to use his lyrics to explain my thoughts. He is probably most famous for his song, "Falling Slowly".

Here's the first few lines of the song: 

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that 

It is the great mystery of the "other", the unknown personality. They could be anybody. At first, all you have is a face, a physique, and maybe a conversation. In your head, you are able to attribute countless wonderful qualities to this person. Inevitably, they are dashing, magnificent, brilliant, charming, invigorating. They bring out the best in you. You see yourself as a better person if you could be with them. It is at these [magical?] times of love that the gender groups in our society breach the social gap, they are willing to fuse together...at last!

But wait...

I must admit, I am a critic of love. Feel free to shake your finger at me. I'm not a hater, just very critical. I admit, I've been a skeptic all my life. Maybe I'm too much of a realist. I believe there is danger in the expectations we put on relationships. Are we all really a "sinking boat" like Hansard refers to later in his song? Do we need someone else to guide us home, to keep us from reaching the rocky depths of the figurative ocean of...life?

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Well, it's possible. It's possible love can prevent you from...sinking. Gosh, I love these analogies. But what if love doesn't? Or, what happens if it stops doing that for you? What if the beautiful mystery of the person is solved, and we are left with "eh...".

If your life is anything like mine, you've grown up hearing that relationships and marriage should be all about the other person. Period. No exceptions. No excuses. But we like being selfish...so how does that work?

I'm not married, but this is how I understand it: There is no perfect person for you out there. I'll go ahead and pop the destiny bubble. No matter who you end up with, nobody is going to reflate your sinking boat completely. This isn't news for any of us (I hope).

So what? I submit we start by taking a different perspective on relationships in general. What is this concept of "other"? Part of being in a relationship, being married, is about seeing yourself in that person. It's about letting that person become so much a part of who you are, you would not do anything to that person you would not do to yourself because they are you. Or at least, that's the way you see it.

Doesn't this sound familiar? What's the Golden Rule again? Maybe we're on to something...

This might help counteract our selfishness a little. Being in a relationship, getting married, is like adding an extension to yourself. So you better choose wisely, right? Right. That's not funny.

Single people: Perhaps you see yourselves as sinking vessels needing to be rescued. You're lonely, after all. Being alone sounds like an awful idea.

But doesn't adding one sinking boat to another sinking boat equal two sinking boats? Or are there roles here, the savior and the...savee (save-ee); the one who does the saving and the one who needs to be saved? If that's the case, which is which? Who gets to decide? 

Like I said, I'm very critical. 

All I know is I can't save anyone. I'll burn out real fast. And this is true vice-versa, no one could save me either. If you're sinking, and I'm sinking, and there's no one to guide us home.....did I mention divorce rates yet?  

So what? Even if we do change our perspective, what difference does it make? If our goal is to "self-actualize", to become the best we can humanly be (by the way, this shouldn't be the goal), getting rid of this extended "self" might be the smartest step. Again, divorce rates...

Is this where I should bring up the Bible? Is the answer Jesus...or is it a squirrel...? 

I'm going to leave you with this quote: 

The very first step is to try to forget about the self altogether [even the extended self i.e. life-partner]. Your real, new self (which is Christ’s and also yours, and yours just because it is His) will not come as long as you are looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him. Does that sound strange? The same principle holds, you know, for more everyday matters...The principle runs through all life from top to bottom. Give up yourself [the life-partner-self too], and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death [yours and theirs], death of your ambitions and favourite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end: submit with every fibre of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing [whatever expectation, hope, or standard you are holding in regard to that life-partner of yours]. Nothing that you have not given away will be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself [you know who], and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in.”- By C.S. Lewis from Mere Christianity

Give up your other self. Your husband. Your wife. Whoever. It is only when you stop holding these ideals for them (as we often hold for ourselves), these wants, longings, desires of what they could fulfill if only...

Let that die. Replace it with Christ. Because, you see, if you are in fact truly Christ's, then, when you look for yourself in a relationship, it is not really you at all, it is Christ (because your life is Christ's, every single part). In order for you to see them in light of who they were meant to be, you must put Christ there. When you look for Christ in them, you will find Him.

and with Him everything else thrown in. 

--

{dm}

Letters From Your Host (3)

I am attempting to do what C.S. Lewis did in "The Screwtape Letters", only I am going in the reverse, characterizing angels, not demons.

Our dearest company,

We are glad to know that you are doing well and that you have found our last letter helpful in your pursuits and understanding of this life.

In your next letter, we hope you might answer a question we have for you: what does it mean for the human body to allow the Son to dwell within it; the "accepting of Christ", as you call it? What does this entail? We can hardly imagine what this must be like. We humbly admit to our envy of such a privilege.

Still, we do not understand. We cannot makes sense of the fact that still you and your brothers falter, doubt, remain anxious, and self-reliant, as if Christ was not there at all. Is it easy to forget? We hope you can make this clear to us. We have heard that the world of a human soul is completely changed when Christ comes. It is to our understanding Christ becomes not a part of you, but you completely. Do you become less yourself, or is it not that you find yourself more fully? Is He truly in everything you see, every thought, every action, every mundane moment of your life? Or, is he just there sometimes? What is it like to have the God of the universe breathing through your lungs? Do you think of Him as separate from you, saying: "this is where God ends and I begin", or is He who you truly are? Is he your self? We know of the term "manifestation", are you combined or are you two separate entities living in one body? If there is separation, should there be? Are you not meant to be wholly unified? Who truly defines the soul, you or Him?

We confess to you, we have no hope of such intimacy with Him. Those of us who have fallen have fallen completely, forever. Much like you, we have a choice. We can chose to remain faithful, or we can chose our own way. Yet, you can fall, repent, and be forgiven. When we fall, there is not hope of forgiveness, there is no hope of redemption for our souls.

Although you might be frustrated with your fickle human heart, be thankful for the hope. There is always hope for you, no matter how many times you fail. Earnestly, we beg you, do not take that for granted. Accept it as the gift it truly is. So priceless, so completely invaluable and precious. We suspect you can never know the true worth of such a gift, not like we do. In your humanness you do not see it, you do not truly understand. We plead with you desperately, seize it! All is lost for you without it.

Wishing you the best always.

Sincerely,
Your host
--
{dm}

Letters From Your Host (2)

I am attempting to do what C.S. Lewis did in "The Screwtape Letters" (I highly recommend this read), only I am going in the reverse, characterizing angels, not demons.

Our Dearest Company,

Thank you for your reply. We are glad to hear you found our last response helpful and trust you are still doing well in the full vigor of your external life.

We have heard that you have expressed to the Father a desire to know His will for you. We are confused, what do you mean by His will?

Do you not know His will? We think that you do. His will is that you love Him first, and love others second. Grow. Connect. Serve. Today. Be mindful, lest you forget: you are stuck in time. Physically, you cannot skip ahead of it or return to it. Your existence is based on this moment. Right now.

Yet, with your mind, you time travel constantly. So often you reflect on the past with longing and the future with anxiety. Why should you waste your present moments so? If there is such a deep desire to know God's will for your life, why do you waste it thinking of what you will do someday, and not this day. Why do you worry you will not be useful to God? You paralyze your life at this very moment.

According your world's judgement, the Father wastes his saints. You think, "I must go here because here I will be the most use to Him." Yet, the Son never measured his life by how or where He was the greatest use. God places His saints where they will bring him the most glory, and you are totally incapable of judging where that might be.*

Be careful not to view yourself fulfilling the will of God after this stage of your life. There is only one stage of your life: right now. Yesterday does not exist. Tomorrow has never been. The moment you had ten minutes ago is gone forever. All you have is now.

It amazes us how you forget your own mortality. Here, where we are there is no sense of time nor death. We have a beginning with no end. Yet, you trust your life will continue on forever, like ours. It won't. You have no way of knowing when the inevitable end will come. What if you had died yesterday? What if you were to die in five minutes? Do you now understand how vain it is to measure your worth by the things you plan to do tomorrow? Tomorrow does not exist. It is merely a concept in your mind, a word in your language. Your life, your reality, is in this day. Spend it well for you will never receive it back.

We wish you the best. You can expect to hear from us again soon.

Most sincerely,
Your host

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you" (1 Thes. 5:16-18, ESV. Emphasis added).

*Inspired by My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers
--
{dm}

Letters from Your Host

I am attempting to do what C.S. Lewis did in "The Screwtape Letters" (I highly recommend this read), only I am going in the reverse, characterizing angels, not demons. Be your own critic, don't assume everything they say is true, it is merely a creative angle used for greater understanding. 

Our dear company,

We are glad to see that you are doing well externally and continue to remain in the fullness and vigor of your life.

However, we have taken note that you have been struggling lately in the matter of your purpose. You feel God is not close, you have no direction. Spiritually, we sense you are drying out.

We must confess we do not understand how you can be satisfied to think the way you do, worship the way you do, or live the way you do, and yet question the spiritual condition of your soul. We hope you can make this a bit more clear to us. Your prayers of late have been so disjointed, unfocused. We don't know what to make of them. To be perfectly honest, we are ashamed of them for you. Very ashamed.

It is apparent you want to go to heaven. This is good. It is not selfish to seek preservation of your own soul.

Yet, we wonder why you want to go to heaven. What is heaven to you? You would answer stoically: heaven is eternal glory, worshiping in the presence of the Creator. Still we wonder, why, going off of your approach to worship, would you want this?

You look forward to getting out of the Sunday morning service. In fact, some days you can hardly wait to leave. How then, can you possibly look forward to heaven? Is not this what worship is to you? Imagine eternal pew-sitting and song-singing. Imagine eternal Sunday morning.

We understand what your heaven truly is, it is much like our own (there is more than one heaven). Heaven is not so much like Sunday morning. You should be glad to know.

It might also surprise you to know, you already have heaven. Or, at least you should. The Kingdom of God is within you. Technically, you should be dead. Are you truly dead? We hope so. The Kingdom of God is now. This very moment. Heaven is upon you. But be mindful, lest you forget.

We will continue to write. We see quite evidently you need to be reminded of your deadness. As for your purpose? Seek to live for the Kingdom within you. Discover what worship means to you in everyday life. In folding laundry. In loving your husband. In work. In play. In rest. Because possibly genuine worship never existed on Sunday morning.

And as for God? He may not seem close. Not at all. How can he talk to you when you do not listen? How can you find Him when you aren't looking with everything in your being? He may not seem close, but he is there. Invariably.

We appreciate your thoughts, please, if you could be a little more specific next time this would be beneficial. We find that you are slightly distracted. Focus a little more, articulate more clearly, and perhaps a clearer answer will be provided. Thank you.

Most sincerely,

Your host
--
{dm}

YOLO!

It’s Sunday! This week has literally flown. Do you ever feel like that? Like every day is like a blur, weeks fly by, and time has a way of racing like a cheetah with its tail on fire? That’s how my life feels. And I know it’s only going to get worse as I grow older. 

That’s why I need to stop. Right now. At this very moment. Before any more time slips away, before I live any more days, or even blink. 

I need to be still. I’m young (booyah!) but that doesn’t mean my life is going to last long. I might not even finish this blog post. I might not even wake up tomorrow. Those are heavy, heavy possibilities to think about. 

I don’t want to live my life fearing death, but I also don’t want to live my life pretending it’s never going to happen. Eventually I will die, whether it’s in ten minutes or seventy years. 

YOLO. Have you ever heard that acronym thrown around? Well, if you don’t know what it means, I’ll spare you the embarrassment of asking: you only live once. 

One shot. 

One adventure. 

One life.

Just one. 

It doesn’t matter what country you come from, or who’s family you’re in, or what you believe. Heck, it doesn’t even matter how many people follow your blog! We all get the same number of lives: the one we’re living right now. 

It’s not the life you’ll have tomorrow, or the one you had yesterday. All you have is right...now. 

So what should we do with it? One of my biggest fears is wasting my life. I used to think: 

I need to get involved in as many religious things as possible, and volunteer. I need to help starving people around the world, I need make a difference, I need to rescue lives, I need to...I need to...I need...I...I...me...me...

No doubt good does come out of this approach, but recently I realized: isn’t that just another form of selfishness? Isn’t it just as selfish to do things for other people so I don’t feel guilty when I’m lying on my deathbed? I think it is very easy for people who think like that to get burnt out. They’re caught up in serving and saving the world. They have dreams and fantasies of how fulfilled they will be and how much of a difference they will make. However, they soon find out it is difficult, they get sucked dry. They lose their joy. 

So what? We live selfishly because in the end it’s no different than a life of servanthood? 

Heck no. 

I believe Jesus Christ was a real person. I believe he is God, who came down and walked around in a human body. 

I want to be like Christ. When I stop and evaluate my life, this is what I realize. It sounds so noble, so honorable, doesn’t it? No. Perhaps this desire is the most misunderstood of all. 

In this life I will be called to suffer. I think that there will be many people offended by what I say, and indignant by the hard questions I will ask. I might even lose my life because of it. 

Yet, that is a reflection of how Jesus lived. Why shouldn’t I expect anything different for my life?

But what about right now? What do I do?? Am I failing Jesus because I’m not suffering? This is my conclusion to all this: 

I need to listen to his voice. I will be still. I will rest in the peace of knowing that God is calling me, he will speak into my life...but only if I seek him with all my heart. I can’t just chill out here in my peaceful little world. He needs my whole heart. Not part of it, or most of it, but every last possible doubt, fear, anxiety, and insecurity I cling on to. 

So when he does call me (because he will. In fact, he is right now), 
I will not act out of guilt, or fear of wasting my life, I will act out of love. 
Because at the end of my life, nothing is going to matter if it wasn't done out of love for him. Nothing.

To love the Lord your God. This is his first, his greatest commandment. 

{dm}

Serene Sunday

I've never known where to place Sunday. It's supposed to be the first day of the week, but I consider it the weekend too, which is (obviously) at the end of the week.

This being said, I believe Sunday is that one day we have to "regroup" ourselves, sort of pull ourselves back together. In essence, Sunday is a day to quiet the mind and body and reflect on the week that has past and prepare for the week that is coming.

We all learn and grow, and because I have the insatiable need to write everything down, I'll share what I have learned this past week and how I've grown. I hope to do this every Sunday with my blog.

This is the little church we went to in Montana

It all started in Montana. 

A couple of weeks ago, I went with nineteen other students from my university to a leadership institute in Montana. I believe the experience changed my life. I don't say that lightly because I feel like I'm the type of person who is very difficult to change.

Anyway, our Chaplin, Ron, drilled 3 basic themes into our heads while we were there:

1) The number one lie people of the faith believe today: 

Following the Kingdom is a position privilege, not responsibility.  

Yeah, guilty as charged.                               

2) Ask these three questions everyday: 

Is the work well done? 

Is the Word well used? 

Is the Lord well pleased?  

3) Also, consider these questions for your life: 

Where am I at? 

Where am I headed? 

Who am I becoming? 

Another quote that stuck with me: "Success is predicated upon cost." 

Enter by the narrow gate...Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life... {Matthew 7:13-14}

Those three themes were still mulling around in my head this past week. On top of that, right now I'm reading My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers (I HIGHLY recommend this devo if you're looking for a hard, very highly convicting word of inspiration daily). On July 7th, the title for the entry read: All Efforts of Worth and Excellence are Difficult. Immediately, I thought of the privilege vs. responsibility theme from Montana. Here's a little quotation from the devotional that day:

Thank God that He does give us difficult things to do! His salvation is a joyous thing, but it is also something that requires bravery, courage and holiness [responsibility]. It takes a tremendous amount of discipline to live the worthy excellent life of a disciple of Jesus in the realities of life.  And it is always necessary for us to make an effort to live a life of worth and excellence. 

Virtually, that is what I learned this week. The immense responsibility and discipline of being a disciple. It won't just fall into my lap. I have to seek after it...whole-heartedly. I know this, now all I have to do is live it.

Daily, I will choose the more excellent way.