Monday, September 10, 2012

My Double Life

I'm not sure if you know this, but I am deceiving the world. I am not who I appear to be. Not even remotely.

Before I go any further, I must warn you I may come off as an egotistic, self-obsorbed soul thinking and dreaming of nothing but herself and therefore finding nothing as interesting, inspiring, or heart-clinching as her beloved self-interests.

Yet, for all I know, you have a self too. Perhaps the better I relate to mine, the easier you can relate to your own, and the greater our mutual understanding of the world will be together.

You see, it should be obvious to me that I am an insightful human being. Simply put, I am quite the visionary. I have deep, profound thoughts; I see the world clearly and brilliantly. My ideas are inventive. I understand so many things. I feel invincible, unstoppable, impenetrable--in my head.

Yet, in reality I am the little dog chasing down the bigger dog. I don't realize the greater truth of the situation: I forget my own size.

Outside my head, I'm too often incompetent. I don't get people's jokes; I'm scared to say hello first. I reduce myself to small talk. Lord! How I do not understand the implications of small talk. I submit myself to the social norms that are expected of me, yet I hate them.

Do they really care how my summer was, or do they simply want to relieve the awkward silence between us? I suspect they want to come across as nice, friendly even, but I doubt their sincerity. I doubt my own. Do they really want to know how I am? I could tell them, I could unload like a dump truck. Or, for the sake of social experimentation, as we pass on the sidewalk, I could say I'm not doing well. Would they stop? Would they inquire deeper? Doubtful. They would keep on walking, feeling uncomfortable.

As much as I dislike small talk, I have become the master. It is the double life I lead.

On the one hand I am the visionary, the brilliant thinker and perceiver. The author you have only just barely met. I am bursting with my ideas, articulating them in cutting-edge clarity and authenticity.

On the other hand, I am the shallow small talker that can't relate to most people in any real sense of the word. I smile dumbly and asks how summer went.

You haven't the slightest idea how this frustrates my mind. Who am I really? The visionary or the small talker? Or am I neither. Am I a combination of the two?



  1. I do feel that same way when people talk to me, I'm never sure if they really want to know how I'm doing or they're just being polite for the sake of being polite. this is why I don't like making small talk, there's no real excuse to even make them except to fill the silence. I suppose that is why I like writing so much because there is no silence to fill, just words to let go.

    1. Well said. I believe everyone views social interaction like small talk differently. While we see it as suspiciously lacking in genuine interest, some people really enjoy those types of convos. I guess we're just not one of them. haha